Why You Can’t Get Over Someone You Never Had
Getting Attached To Others
Without closure, it is quite easy to become attached to a person you never got the chance to date. In a case where a person ghosts you, talking to the person without making any form of physical contact might be quite easy. However, it is very important for you to actually determine if you’ll be comfortable with dating a person that would find it easy ghosting you. An understanding of the reason why you didn’t date can help in determining the reason for the attachment.
Varying Degrees Of Attachment
Every relationship most time tend to have a starting point, the middle and the end. Your romance story with your partner should ordinarily have definite labels defining your relationship with each other. Also, there are people who ordinarily mean a lot to you. However, you never consider having anything more with them. There are also people who you probably think you’ll date but you ended up not dating them.
Such people are those whose presence in our lives are accompanied by lust, uncertainty and sometimes love. Even at that, for some reason or the other, the presence of such people in our lives never grow into any substantial romantic relationship. This, in turn, means there is really no room for any form of closure. The fact that you didn’t particularly have any clearly spelled out relationship doesn’t change the fact that you had feelings for the person and going further in the relationship can be quite hurtful.
Reasons For Attachment
The question thus is why so many of us get attached to people we never had a romantic relationship with? The answer to this question varies, depending on the reason why the relationship might not have been successful in the first place.
The fact that you guys didn’t date can possibly end up making you feel vulnerable and holding the thoughts that you had unreciprocated feelings. That can leave you heartbroken, but you really should not assume that the person you had affections for doesn’t actually have similar feelings for you. Their reason could just be that they are scared of appearing vulnerable.
According to Shadeen Francis, a relationship author, educator, and therapist, the satisfaction gotten from the relationship is compromised and also limited by people’s fears that they’ll be left vulnerable.
This vulnerability can come right before such people even start their relationships. That is because the fear of being rejected stops a lot of people from trying to make a move on those they have interest in. Francis said if your desire is to feel understood, loved, accepted and seen, then you must be prepared to be in a position where you have to take emotional risks.
First, begin by asking yourself why both of you ended up not dating. Was the reason that you were unable to take emotional risks or was it the other way round? Or, was it simply because the person wasn’t interested. It can be quite difficult to move from the pain gotten from rejection, but that can help closure in some instances. You need to think deeply if your trouble with moving on stems from the fact that you feel you have been rejected or you actually do feel strongly for the person. There are cases where it might turn out to be that you just don’t like the feeling of rejection.
Deciding that you don’t want to date a person simply because he or she was of no benefit to you does not translate to the feelings magically disappearing. Moving on from such relationships might start with a realization as to why you were not interested in sparking off the relationship from the onset.
Author, Jenna Birch, while speaking to a media outlet said that a lot of people are incapable of being in any romantic relationship majorly because of the time factor. Birch added that people need to carefully consider if they should end things with a person that has a life timeline that is different from theirs.
If you ended the relationship before things got serious, then consider your reason for doing so and also endeavor to respect such decisions. It could be that your decision was to enable you to concentrate on a career or get financial stability before you decide to commit to anyone. If that is your reason, it is perfectly okay and it is actually normal that you still have feelings for such people despite the decision you have made.
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